Me: bitch we got problems pierce is sexpert
I didn’t mean it to come out like that but I can’t be bothered with punctuation right now. And anyway, two seconds later my phone buzzes an incoming call from Zoey. I tab accept and whisper, “I’m gonna get fired today.”
“What the hell are you talking about? What’s that mean? Pierce is Sexpert?”
“I stole his idea and then he found out and I didn’t mean to do it and now the cute freeway guy is on the case and he’s gonna out me and get me fired! I’m fucked!” I whisper-scream that last part into the phone while I hold it at arm’s length.
“Eden!” Zoey snaps. “Calm the fuck down and explain! I didn’t understand any of that.”
But then the stairwell door opens on fifty and two girls—Sara from accounting and Leslie from data entry—start walking up to fifty-one towards me.
“Hey, girls!” I wave and smile at them, trying to act normal.
“Hey, Eden!” they chime back together. “Happy Monday!” they say.
“Happy Monday,” I say back.
Now I get it. I totally get why people hate it when I say that.
When they disappear onto fifty-one I go back to the phone. “How… when… Zoey! I think I might’ve stolen this idea from Pierce!”
“Don’t be ridiculous. I was there when you came up with it. Remember? It was Valentine’s Day two years ago and I was pregnant, and sad, and poor because business was bad and you said, ‘We should be strippers.’ And then I said, ‘I can’t be a stripper because I’m fat.’ And you said, ‘You’re not fat, you’re beautiful.’ And then I said, ‘We need a stupid YouTube series like that dumbass seventeen-year-old who got famous on Ellen! after she made stop-motion movies of Barbie and Ken having sex.’ And you said, ‘We should totally make a ridiculous sex advice channel and we should call ourselves the Sexperts!’ Remember all that?”
That was how it went down. “I was drunk though, remember? That asshole Matthew dumped me after I put out and I was pissed off. So maybe I accidentally heard Pierce say something about the Sexpert and then I only thought it was my idea?”
“That’s stupid. Don’t be stupid, Eden. You’re not stupid. You came up with the name! I was there!”
“Yeah, but we’ve been using Voice Lift to disguise my voice and the goddamned Voice Lift inventor is the cute freeway guy and now Myrtle says he’s on the case and he’s gonna figure out who I am!”
“Ridiculous!” Zoey yells. “No one is gonna find out who you are, Eden. We don’t even show your face.”
I take a deep breath. Maybe I’m just overreacting?